A Poem from my Friend April...

This is a copy of the poem that my friend April sent to me yesterday... it has some good thoughts to say and digest, I think:

The Gift Of Love

Everyone longs to give herself completely to someone To have a deep soul relationship with another to be loved thoroughly and exclusively...But god says No! not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and contented with being loved by me alone. with giving yourself totally unreserved to me, in having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone. Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, THEN will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that i have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusively of anyone or anything else, exclusively of any desire or longing I want you to have the best. please allow me to bring it to you...you just keep watching me expecting the greatest thing. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I give...keep listening and learning the things I tell you...just wait.. that's all.. don't be anxious.. don't worry! Don't look around at the things others have gotten.. or that I give them, don't look at the things you think you want...just keep looking off and away...up to me! Or you'll miss what I want to show you... And then I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you could ever dream of.. you'll see...until you are ready and the one I have prepared for you is ready...I am working ever at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you.. You won't be able to experience the true love that is thus The Perfect Love...and Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me... and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with myself...know that I love you utterly... I am El Shaddai.. (God almighty most loving) Believe it and be satisfied...

Homeless...Revival....Canada

As I live in this cold and windy country these days, I am thinking about how much we need to pray for our country and do those simple things that make a difference- like offering food to the homeless like Jay and Danielle do every week. I was challenged the other night at a Spanish Service to pray for my country for 15 minutes a day- I did and it was amazing the amount of freedom, power, and how much I could sense that the Spirit has such a heart for this country- for reconciliation, for revival, to see his people change to know Him. How much difference can we make as His people when we actively choose to BE WITH HIM, to love him, to listen to those little nudgings in your heart that reveal the Heart of the One who is in us. It makes a WORLD of difference. We are free to see things in a whole new light, to relize our own shortcomings and to focus on what really matters- which is being close to our creator. I pray this for this nation. That we could reconcile our lives to God's- to know Him as our Lord and Kind and also then as our Friend... to build up a relationship of Love and humility- He is the Lord. Amen!

Something to Ponderosa

"IT is true that love cannot be forced, that it
cannot be made to order, that we cannot love
because we ought, or even because we want. But we
can bring ourselves into the presence of the
lovable. We can enter into Friendship through the
door of Discipleship; we can learn love through
service; and the day will come to us also, when
the Master's word will be true, "I call you no
longer servant, but friend."
HUGH BLACK

These Chinese Characters mean "love" and "wisdom"

I'm just going to let myself cry...

What are you supposed to do with your head and your heart when you can't be with someone anymore? How are you supposed to untrain yourself to not think about them all day long- to catch yourself wondering if they'd like this or that if you're at a store, or what they'd think of the new song you just wrote, or if they'd think something was as funny as you did? When IS love a choice and why do we have to choose not to- are we supposed to try to erase everything or somehow magically grow a new persepective? When everything reminds you of that other person and you find yourself doing the things without even thinking- like saying certain phrases or reacting a certain way- in exactly the same manner that you know the person who shared your heart would have done, you realize that they are a part of you. You are supposed to say goodbye to a part of yourself...? What if the only choices were numb and sad and then a wierd combination of things that didn't make any sense. What if... I just want to let myself feel whatever the heck I'm feeling right now. I think I've dehydrated my eyes enough for one night so I'll curl up and sing to Jesus. We had a good singing session tonite already.

There’s a place of quiet stillness ‘tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet

There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus’ feet
Where joy and sorrow meet

There’s a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet

There’s a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet

Avalon

It's called Breaking -up because...

Well, I can say that the last couple of days have been filled with a lot of different emotions- of which being in a strange state of numb has been the most predominant, tears next in line, followed by a myriad of others including peace, release, sadness, and comfort. Breaking up is so strange- letting go you always just want to hold onto something and as you came to pick up your stuff everything seemed so final- yet not as we watched movies and laughed and chatted like good friends. I was looking for pics to express how I was feeling and found this one because it reminded me of a play that we had to read in one of my English Lit courses- called the "Occupation of Heather Rose" about a young and ambitious girl who goes to be a nurse way up north in Ontario and ends up growing up in so many ways, going through things that she never thought she would have to go through and learning through the bittersweet- things get pretty rough in the winter time and everyone is just waiting for the time called "break up" where the winter ice starts to break away from the trees and the life and starts to melt away so that spring can come again- almost a coming into joy, but having to go through something to get there. Those are my reflections of the moment. Being with David was one of the greatest and hardest things I've ever done- I think you learn so much of who you are yourself in a relationship. Things that you never knew you had that could be great (like joy, learning to accept love, to be appreciated, to be pursued, and to have someone walk through difficult times of healing with you, but also to laugh, to learn, and to love) and things in yourself that you desire to come to the light (like pushing through conflict and learning to balance independance with the desire to be with the person that means the world to you). I have to smile as I write these things- thanks for calling me muffin, muffin... and for starting me on the road to driving standard (easy, easy now:)) And thanks to amigos that listen, love, and tell you what's what when you need it.

LOVE

These are some pics from Lisa and I's trip to the Oregon Coast... SO GORGEOUS. I'd like to think of it as a story... God gives us His love which is phenominally bigger than this ocean... We can go with our arms open wide into his love... He loves us so much that we can have shelter in his wings: we can't get any closer to His love than that... and even when our problems seem like this massive rock that take up the whole picture- we just have to go back to the beginning where it all started- those are the same rocks in the background, only surrounded by HIS LOVE they make a beautiful picture... GOD IS LOVE!

Stranger than fiction

I will commentate (or should I say narrate) my day in the traditional fashion that was Animaniacs...

Good Idea- going down to the staff room to get some free chocolate bars to bribe your grade 9's into doing a good job on their homework

Bad Idea- Thinking that they could be alone for two minutes without a yelling fistfight breaking out with a desk turned over and pulling them into the hall to deal with them

Good Idea- Buying 2 new tables for the house at a great price that look fantastic when they are put together

Bad Idea- Trying to put the 2 tables together

Good Idea - Going for a cheap hair cut at the Utopia hair school where they usually do a stellar job

Bad Idea- having the hairdresser say "Um, I'm not comfortable with that" and then keep cutting... and cutting.... and cutting

Good Idea- having her instructor come over and fix the job all over

Bad Idea- Fixing it by cutting it even shorter so that it is at least 3 -4 inches shorter than it needed to be

Good Idea- Going to Curves to work out at a moderate 30 minute workout scheme

Bad Idea- your boyfriend thinking he can play squash all week and then go to volleyball and pound the ball with the same arm

Good Idea- hanging out with friends

Bad Idea- Umm... nope- no bad ones there:) Especially watching "Stranger than Fiction" - I absolutely LOVED that movie- it was so good- funny and yet still artsy and different than the norm... it was great.

Prayer

It's amazing what prayer will do and that is what I am choosing to believe in faith this very moment. Around the beginning of September I felt like I was finally getting back on my feet again. After a long bout of doing my own thing and trying to live life the way that I thought I wanted it- a relationship that went downhill, Quebec and all of it's entertainment I went to Mexico where I got a piece of my heart back... where God opened up my eyes to what used to be and to what my heart could look like. What his heart looks like- caring for the orphans (literally), praising him without reserve, thanking him for new believers, and blessing people with food and clothes. I came back so afraid that I would go back to the life that I once knew- one that felt dead, that felt so distant from God. I was sick enough of how I had been living to do something drastic- and I did. I went back to church, I started to pray- and I meant it- I was walking on Spirtual Air and that's also right around the time when blessing after blessing poured into my life- job offers out the wahzoo, a new roomate and the prospect of moving out on my own, meeting a wonderful guy who cares for me SO MUCH, living life in joy and being able to talk to and encourage people with JOY and mean it. The key to all of this seemed to be in being with God and pouring myself into him- in prayer, in all that I did, in my way of looking at life.
After Quebec I felt so selfish- I had bought so many clothes and spent lots of money on, well, whatever I wanted- food, going out, going to frivoulous things like festival after show after whatever all else activity happened to be going on. And then Mexico where I lived in dirt. I took everything that I needed in one small suitcase instead of my overstuffed 2 plus carryons. I lived and played with the kids and hung out with people and the thing that stuck out to me the most was how greatful everyone was there. No matter how long they had been there, it seemed, they were greatful each and every week for the visitors that came in and made a differece helping out wherever they could. I would walk from the warehouse to the printshop and there would be someone else just thanking me for what I could do and for being there. I was blown away- especially after having lived at Laval for a month where it seemed like Gossip was eating us all alive and dissention wreaked havoc everywhere.
The point being- my life was changed and I wasn't even expecting it- I went there on a whim. So all this is a preface for me to question where I am at today. The other night, Dave and I went to Fire and Freedom at CLA in Langley. It was nothing short of amazing. There were people just dancing and singing and we could be there and sing at the top of our lungs an no one would even blink an eye- and even if they would have it felt so free that for the first time in a long time I could honestly say, "Who cares?" I danced. I danced for and with Jesus and it was SO GOOD. I felt so hungry and so thirsty I realized that I have been spiritually starving myself for so long. God is that God- the one who brings joy and peace and who lifts us up. The minute we walked in there we could just feel the power of the spirit so much that we sang just as hard all the way home.
So why all of this chaos in my head? Where does all of that joy go? Why am I so constantly plagued with anxiety and worry and why do I take it out on other people like I do? I screw up- yes and everyone does, but why do I constantly feel the need to point the accusational finger at myself until I completly shut down and keep people out of my life? Psalm 103:9,14 alludes to the fact that "God will not constantly accuse us... for He understands how weak we are; He knows we are only dust." If I can extend grace to drug dealers and homeless people that I meet on the street and the hundreds of people that I have been involved doing ministry for- why can't I seem to extend it to myself and to those close ones around me. It's like I'm this expert wall builder whose the angry type that is constantly yelling at his workers to go faster and builder higher and get the job done right and build up all of these walls. Only if I turned around and looked- I would see that I am the workers- that I'm yelling at myself and blocking out all of those people around me that are there trying to help me see how. Stubborn me sits there with her pride and won't take the hand to help her up.
Tommorow I am going in for prayer counselling- hoping to be rid of it- whatever it may be. I hope that it is not the next- well I'll try this thing and if that doesn't work then I'll try this or that. I'm done with it. Done. Ready to pick up my mat and walk. To touch the cloak. If I can believe in healing for the nations and for the hundreds of people that I've prayed for and will meet throughout my life, then I need to believe that Jesus loves and can heal even a wretched sinner like me. So, if you think about it around 1pm tommorow, pray for me, k? I want to be free.